Including your Moms
In case you missed it, Mother’s Day was on Sunday, so we thought there was no time like the present to chat about mothers and the roles they play on your wedding day.
We are so quick to think of our own moms, they are with us every step of the way, helping us plan all the intricate details and keeping us calm during our bridezilla moments, but what about the mother of the groom?
We often forget about this very important lady, and how she would also love to have a role to play in her son’s big day!
Christy Hosking | Andy and Szerdi | Kate Martens
Last week, we ran an informal questionnaire on our instastories to try and get a feel of the relationship you have with your mom, and with your mother in law, and how you included them in the day. We were not shocked by the responses – it varied between awesome relationships, “okay” relationships and relationships that are on thin ice. The overall feel though was that many girls included their moms on their wedding days, but not their mother-in-law’s, so we are going to focus on this a bit more today.
When you start planning your wedding, try and include not only your mom but also your MIL-to-be in the process – even if she does sometimes drive you crazy, this is her son’s wedding day too and might be her only chance to be involved in a wedding, especially for those moms that have only one child or all boys!
I must admit, I never thought this way. It was only until Christy said to me one day: “Just think to yourself, if you have a boy one day, would you like to be involved in his wedding day planning and prep?” Gosh, that was a game-changer for me and made me look at this whole situation a LOT differently!
Planning your wedding is a stressful time in itself, and sometimes we cannot deal with the added pressure of family issues, but if you are looking at trying to include your mom and mother in law in your wedding day, read on to hear our suggestions:
- Host a “planning” Tea Party.
Our advice would be to invite both moms over for a tea party with your bridal party. Have a stipulated list of things you need help with and use this time to discuss and delegate jobs. Everyone has a talent in life, maybe your mom or your MIL-to-be is great with flowers, or stationery or keeping things organised with the guest list! They will be so glad to be involved, they will be more than happy to assist you with your plans.
**Hooray Advice: Please, don’t just give them the sh*tty jobs that you don’t want to do – be kind and caring in this process.
- Wedding Outings
Invite the moms to all the pre-wedding events that you are comfortable with them being at – trying on dresses, bridesmaids dress shopping, shoe shopping… anything that you think you can handle having both moms with you, do it! This will be a great time for the moms to bond as well and help bring the families closer if they aren’t already.
- Be Kind
Now we know we have sugar-coated this. These scenarios would happen in a perfect world – a world where people don’t actually say what they feel, but the truth is, not everyone can plan their wedding like this. We know that, sometimes, your mother or your mother in law is not your favourite person – sometimes their ideas are just not in line with your wedding day vision.
If you are finding yourself in a predicament of a strained relationship with your mother-in-law, then just know you will have to handle this situation delicately. You don’t want to start your marriage with a family feud, and your groom does not want to be put in an uneasy predicament. As we mentioned before, try and think of one of your MIL’s strengths – even if you are only giving her one or two jobs, she will be more than grateful to be involved in the wedding planning process.
- “I have tried to involve my MIL, but she is not interested”
There is a chance that your MIL would rather not be involved in the wedding day. Respect her wishes and don’t try and force her into doing anything. Maybe she would prefer helping her son with something, such as organising the groomsmen’s thank you gifts. See what she is comfortable with and take it from there.
- “My MIL and I have a terrible relationship”
If you really do not get along with your MIL-to-be then we suggest sitting down with your groom and discussing your concerns fully. You do not need extra stress, so this is where your groom can step in. Ensure he understands the source of the discomfort between the two of you so he can diffuse any situations that may come up during the wedding planning process.
- “I am worried about what she is going to wear on the wedding day”
Something which may not be on your to-do list, but we suggest you should add it, would be to go shopping with the moms for their wedding outfits. This is something which can cause a lot of stress for the moms – they too want to look perfect on the big day and you will be able to guide them with colours and the vision of the day. A perfect opportunity to bond more, you can turn this into a fun day, going for breakfast or lunch and maybe even throwing in a Pedi!
Speaking of getting the moms wedding-ready, hair and makeup is something which we sometimes forget to organise for our moms on the big wedding day. We chatted to our directory members for some expert advice on this:
Hooray: Should the MOB and MOG have their make up done professionally?
Cands: A wedding day is not only a big day for the Bride and groom. It is also a very special day for each mother. One is seeing her beautiful daughter marry the man of her dreams and is gaining a son, the other is gaining a new daughter. Mothers do a lot behind the scenes and it is a lovely gesture to make them feel extra special and feel stunning on this very special day.
Paige: I feel it is essential for both the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom to get their hair and makeup professionally done. After all, they are the women who brought you and your soon-to-be hubby into the world. They also deserve to feel important and be pampered on this special day. I often see moms running around, trying to make sure every flower is perfectly placed, every name tag is there and everyone is doing what they need to be doing. Forgetting completely about themselves. When your ‘moms’ sit in our chair, they take a breath, they become a part of the morning, they feel included and appreciated. They take it all in… the mother of your soon the be hubby gets to see a beautiful side of you, the nerves, the excitement to marry her son… the pure joy! On a logistical side, makeup and hair need to last! Hot flushes (menopause I see you), tears and weather are not your BFF’s. We have steps, products and techniques to ensure longevity.
Hooray: What is the average cost of makeup for a MOB and MOG?
Paige: When it comes to ‘mom’s’ makeup and hair, the cost is a bit cheaper than the bridesmaids. A great way to cut costs is to opt for a blow wave instead of an up-style. A mothers hair and makeup will cost you anywhere from R700, depending on if she would like lash extensions and an up style. (below pictures, makeup done by Paige)
Hooray: If I can’t afford makeup for them, what can I do?
Cands: Great question. Weddings are expensive, and 9 times out of 10 you will have a friend that is a makeup fundie (whether she’s in your bridal party or not.) You could ask her to help your mothers with their makeup. Or if your moms are not into makeup maybe get them a nice lipstick or their favourite makeup product to use for the day.
Paige: If you cannot afford to spoil your mom and mom-in-law, perhaps offer them the option to pay for it themselves. Please don’t feel bad, many mothers pay for their own hair and makeup, they will feel excited to be included in your special day. If hair and makeup for your ‘moms’ is not financially in the cards for anyone, my best advice would be to ask yourself; do you like how your mom and mom in law do their makeup and hair? If it’s a ‘no’, ask a bridesmaid or guest of the wedding, someone who does their own hair and makeup well (we all have a friend that always looks great) to do it for them. If you like their style, then let them do it themselves. There are more than enough girls around that morning if a mamma needs help or another lipstick colour.
Hooray: I don’t get along with my mother-in-law and don’t want her interfering with my morning, how do I include her?
Cands: This is a tough one. You could maybe ask your groom to include her in his morning festivities. Then when the photographer is finished with the boys, your mother in law can accompany the photographer to you where you can give her a little gift if you want and take a picture with her. All of which will take 15 to 20 mins and you can all go to the ceremony together. Alternatively, if you have the funds send her to a spa or to go get her hair and makeup done away from the venue.
Paige: I know not every mother/daughter-in-law relationship is rainbows and butterflies; this could be the perfect gift, the perfect olive branch … also just give us a heads up – your makeup artist and hairstylist are YOUR best friends, we defuse situations left, right and centre for a living. This isn’t our first rodeo. Also, we recommend if your relationship is a bit on the difficult side, let’s book your mom-in-law first, nice and early then she has time to pop over to the boys to see her son before getting dressed for the big day.
Some final thoughts from Paige…
In my many years as a makeup artist and hairstylist, I know how the morning of your wedding can fly. I have moms looking forward to hair and makeup and I have moms insisting, especially the mother of the groom, that they will just do it themselves. Perhaps they don’t want to intrude on the mother-daughter experience? Never the less, moms who opt to do it themselves always run out of time and end up looking like a hot mess. This is so sad to me as it is also an extremely important day for them, they are giving away their daughter or son, they too will be photographed, they too want to look and feel their best. So even if your ‘moms’ are going to be doing their own hair and makeup, make sure they take time out from the busy morning to get ready for the special day.
A wedding day is a very special day for everyone involved. While we know that sometimes things can be tricky and not always the best – the whole wedding planning process will become part of your wedding memories. Don’t look back in regret, realising that you did not include your moms enough. These memories will be so precious for them, let them be present as much as they can.
Thank you so much to Cands and Paige for their input on the blog today. If you would like to get in touch with them, follow the links below:
Candice from Blush Pro Makeup Agency
Paige from Kiss the Bride Hair and Makeup